Green Eyes and Lullabies
by dandyvamp
Summary: Bella Swan has a cataclysmic experience in a bar with a complete stranger. He abandons her just after, but left her with much more of himself than she bargained for.
1. Chapter 1

"Isabella, I am going to call a doctor in to help with the delivery. The baby is posterior and is having a hard time coming down the birth canal; combined with the baby's heart decelerating during contractions, I think it might be best." Angela said.

She was my midwife and had worked with me since I landed in her office in a near state of hysteria seven months ago. Angela had been my rock and a source of comfort in helping me come to terms with my pregnancy. She'd been there every step of the way, and I had come to know her not just as my midwife, but also as my friend. She was kind, gentle, and never passed negative judgment of my predicament. She had held my hand when I made the decision to keep my baby, consoled me through my hormone induced emotional melt downs, encouraged me when my fear of failure and inadequacy as a single mother seeped in (which happened frequently), gave me endless support and guidance to a healthy pregnancy, birthing techniques, my choice whether or not to breast feed, and to choosing a natural child birth…speaking of which….._fuck! _

My swollen belly began that gradual ascension, first a tightening mild cramping sensation…climbing, climbing, searing, burning pain wrapping itself around my lower back reaching its arms across my belly, squeezing. A hot sweat prickled my forehead and down my chest…. Unbearable pressure, legs shaking… "Isabella, you need to breathe. Focus." Angela said in a firm, but calm voice.

I felt another warm gush of water lap down my inner thighs. The tension began its slow release and eased the pressure that I felt in my bottom. I gasped in air to catch my breath … _oh God, relief._

"Honey, you have to breathe through your contractions, try not to hold your breath," Angela coached.

_Easy for you to say. _

"Rose, could you please page the doctor on call for me?" Angela asked the nurse.

"Sure, I'll be right back." Rose replied as she headed toward the door.

That brought me back to the topic at hand before the next contraction began. A sense of panic washed over me. _It's not supposed to happen like this. _This does not go according to my birth plan. Angela is supposed to deliver; I don't want some stranger in here. "Ang, will you still stay with me? I'm scared." Another dose of fear edged its way up my throat.

"Bella, I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere." She soothed.

"I don't think I can do this, Angela." Anxiety began to take its hold of me as the reality of my situation began to creep its way back into my conscious. Despite all of my preparations and childbirth education, the idea of anything that size coming out of "there" just never seemed plausible. Throughout my pregnancy I have been petrified of the impending birth. Ever since watching The Miracle of Life in Human Development in high school, I made a solid oath to myself that I would never have children. My vagina would forever stay intact and there was no way in hell that I was ever going to let it get "that big".

_Look at me now._

Trying to psych myself up for this event, I've consoled myself with the idea that women have been giving birth for thousands upon thousands of years and I'm no different from the rest of them and that I'm a strong woman and I can do this. But now, being in the thick of back labor, I rescind that idea with a fucking vengeance. _I can't do this._ Other women have babies. Not me.

"I can't do this, Angela!"

"Bella, look at me…" she came to the side of my bed and reached over and smoothed my sweaty hair from my forehead. I glanced into her dark brown eyes, so full of concern and wisdom. Just as Angela was about to open her mouth to speak, another contraction began its climb as the door to the room opened. Rose, the nurse, walked in with a man in blue scrubs following behind her.

My eyes did a fast double take, and I felt my pulse jump several up notches. My heart caught in my throat as I saw a flash of unforgettable, tousled bronze hair, just before he reached up and placed a surgical cap over it and tied the strings at the back of his head. He walked over towards my bed and his green eyes met my mine as he introduced himself.

"Isabella, I'm doctor ………..Cullen" A brief flash of recognition caught in his eyes, and at the same time the contraction braced itself with a brutal wrath that surpassed all the previous ones.

I arched my back off the bed and let out primal groan as the exasperating pain of the contraction engulfed me. For what seemed like hours, but in reality was just a few seconds, my mind disconnected itself from the shock of seeing this man and tried to comprehend the pain it was bathed in.

When the contraction began to release me from its grasp a new a whole new anxiety and panic set it.

_What the fuck?_

I tried to gather my wits while sucking air into my lungs and looked again at the doctor just to be sure I wasn't imagining things. That bronze hair was peeking out in soft wisps from his cap and those brilliant green eyes, strong jaw line, beautiful lips, perfect white teeth…these were just a few of the features that have haunted me for the last nine months…._yep, it's him. _

_What the fuck?_

_This is not happening. _

_Not now._

I squeezed my eyes shut and hoped with all my might that when I reopened them this man would be someone else.

_Anyone else._

Technically I should be relieved; an important mystery solved.

But all I feel is humiliation and shame.

I peeled my eyes open and felt wetness spill from them, trickling down my cheeks.

I could feel Dr. Cullen, a man I knew only as Edward, staring at me with wide eyed disbelief. His brows furrowed with a perplexing look. He said nothing for a moment, but then seemed to gather himself quickly and turned to Angela.

"When did you last check her and how many centimeters?"

"At 4:30 she was at seven"

"Isabella, I need to check your cervix to see how you are progressing."

_This is surreal._

I sat there staring at him dumbfounded as the nurse brought a flat package of sterile gloves to the silver stand next to the bed and carefully opened it. Edward picked up one glove by the cuff and slid his large hand into it. The snap of the rubber as he finished donning the glove abruptly brought me out of my stupor.

All business like, though I am positive he recognized me, he said "I need you to scoot your bottom down the bed a little." I followed his directions and shifted my lower half. He sat down on the edge of the bed, one arm bent at the elbow holding his sterile gloved hand in the air to prevent it from being contaminated while Rose pushed the sheet to my thighs. "Go ahead and relax your knees to the side." He held two fingers out for the nurse as she squeezed lube from a packet onto them.

"Isabella, you are going to feel my fingers in your pelvis, just relax and take a deep breath."

_Yeah, not the first time your fingers have been there, you son of a bitch._

I felt his fingers slide between my labia and he shifted his arm to reach up in search of my cervix. I felt that too familiar tensing in my abdomen again and quickly tried to prepare my mind to the pain I knew was coming.

Edward gently slipped his fingers from my vagina. "You're fully dilated and I want you to give me a practice push with this contraction."

_Do what? _

"Rose, go ahead and set up for delivery"

_I'm not ready for this._

I felt a movement and shifting of the bed that I was in but couldn't make out what was happening.

_Not yet._

My mind started to race but before I could even begin to think of anything rational the pain of the contraction began to swallow my thoughts one by one. _Oh shit!_ _Fuck! _ I tried to gasp for more air but the intensity of the pain was one hundred times worse than the most horrendous shit cramp I have ever felt.

"Isabella, I want you to bear down like you are having a bowel movement."

I heard the words but I could barely comprehend them.

"Isabella, try to give me one good push." He said in a gentle, but urgent voice.

I felt my head turning from side to side, a gesture of what must have been my refusal to comply with what he was asking me to do.

_I can't do this. I'm done._

I felt my mind detach from my body in the fog of pain, and the urge to climb out this bed and leave this scene was all too compelling. If only I could float away.

Just as I my pain threshold was about to break, the contraction made its sweet gradual release and I felt my thoughts rushing back to me.

_I am having a baby._

_Too late to turn back now._

_There is no escape._

_And things just got worse._

_The doctor who is now perched on a stool at the foot of this bed in between my legs, is the bastard who knocked me up._

_Only he doesn't know it because the only time I have spent with him was one night in a bar where he promptly left me after fucking the hell out of me in a restroom stall._

_No time for greetings._

_What could I say anyways? _

_Nice to see you again, Edward._

_Oh, by the way, this is your baby your about to deliver. Imagine that! Never dreamed that up, did you?_

_I would have tried to contact you, but you never gave me a last name, or a number._

_Nope. I was too busy in the bathroom wiping off your semen that was running down my leg while you slipped out of the bar like a bandit. _

I could hear voices in the background but my mind turned in on itself and shut everything else out.

_The devastatingly handsome man across the bar eyeing me._

"_Dance with me?"_

"_What's your name?" His piercing green gaze and crooked grin lit a fire beneath the butterflies in my belly._

"_Bella, yours?"_

"_Edward."_

_Dancing slowly, our eyes soulfully locked together._

_Kissing._

_Fondling._

_The spark of electricity I felt from his hands as they roamed my hips and the trail of fire left in their wake._

_The astounding connection I felt to this stranger._

_The hot wetness between my legs._

_The feel of his massive hard on that pressed against my abdomen as our bodies moved together._

_The bathroom stall door that my hands were planted firmly on while he stood behind me and lifted my skirt over my hips._

_The sinking feeling that I felt as I scanned the bar for him after he left me in the bathroom to clean myself up._

_The devastation that I felt when I saw those two blue lines on the stick._

_The horror that I was bringing a child into world without a father._

_The shame of getting knocked up in a bar toilet by a complete stranger._

_The anguish of choosing to have an abortion._

_The relief mixed with fear as I changed my mind at the last minute and high-tailed it out of the abortion clinic._

_The unimaginable love I felt as I saw a little heartbeat flickering on the ultrasound monitor._

_The awe of feeling my baby move the first time._

_Baby._

_Voices._

_Tension._

_Pain._

_Pressure._

"Bella!" A concerned voice from Angela.

"Isabella!" A man's more authoritative shout yanked me from my mind.

I started to shake my head "no" again. What I really meant to do was tell him to get the fuck out of here, but the escalating contraction left me breathless.

Despite the pain, I felt my eyes focusing as the sounds of the room became clearer. Instruments clinking as the nurse lay them on the table. The loud thudding heart beat of my baby from the monitor.

"Rose, call the O.R. and put them on stand by for a C-Section, unless we can get her to cooperate were going to have to take the baby."

"Isabella, look at me! Snap out of it, you need to stay with us!" he argued.

_What? Who the fuck does he think he is to yell at me?_

"Stay with me! Look into my eyes! We need you to push! You have to get this baby out, right now! Its heart rate is dropping too low while you are contracting."

_Baby. My baby._

Realization and the gravity of the situation set in.

No matter who this man is in front of me, I need to pull myself together.

I took all my emotions, the fear, the anger, the shame, the humiliation… I wound them tight and packaged them into a giant breath of unbridled fury. I locked my eyes with Edward's and I bore down as hard as I could.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey peeps! Here is CH2.

Thank you for all of them awsome reviews!!

I am not Stephenie Meyer, nor do I own the Twilight characters. If were her I would be on a beach in Fuji sipping a huge ass frozen margarita.

* * *

Covered in dripping, sticky sweat, I felt my body slowly splitting into two, centimeter by centimeter with each push.

Edward frequently glanced up and held my gaze while I strained. Somehow, in spite of the situation, his piercing eyes kept me from sinking back into the depths of my mind, like a life preserver holding me afloat. It made me resent him even more.

"One…two…three…four…five…six…seven…eight…nine…ten!" Rose and Angela chanted in unison, counting the seconds I spent pushing while helping to support my legs up to the sides of my chest.

_Fuckfuckfuck!_

"Gaahhhhhhhhhhh!" I released the last of my breath in gasps.

"One more push, Bella!" Angela coaxed.

I heaved air into my lungs in one big huff, sought out my focus of green, and bore down.

Rose and Angela started counting seconds again, but their voices sounded muffled. As the pressure mounted, I felt as if my mind was underwater. With pursed lips and a furrowed brow, I could feel my pulse reverberating in my ears as blood pooled in my face with exertion.

"Keep your chin down, Bella," Rose said.

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" I growled as I collapsed exhaustedly back into my pillow. "I can't do this anymore!" After over an hour of pushing, my energy had waned and every muscle in my body seemed to quiver. My heavy limbs felt like lead.

"Okay, Isabella, you can rest for a few minutes, but with the next contraction I want you to push with everything you have. A few more and you'll be close," Edward said.

As I lay there, I tried to catch my breath. Each inspiration never felt sufficient enough, even with the oxygen mask they had given me.

Angela took a cool compress and soothingly wiped the perspiration from my forehead. "You can do this. You're almost there!"

I looked at her with my heavy-lidded eyes, intending to appreciate her enthusiasm and encouragement, but I just couldn't find it in me. With the insufferable fullness within my core, I was bordering on feral.

My belly began to tense again and I took in as big a breath as I possibly could, pulling my knees up toward the sides of my torso, grasping my shins with my hands, and exerting all my force into my bottom.

"Okay, Bella, chin down… push, push, push!" Rose cheered while Angela counted.

Splitting.

Stretching.

Burning_._

_Oh._

_My._

_Fucking._

_God._

"AHHHHHHHHH!!!!" I cried in exasperation after losing my resolve due to the pain and pressure.

"Bella, hold your breath in and focus all your energy downward," Rose said.

"Take a deep breath in and push!" Angela countered.

I heaved in air and bore down with all the strength that I had left.

_Fuckfuckfuckfuck!_

_Mary mother of God shit fuck!_

"Oh, God, it burns!" I yelled.

"Isabella, look at me… this is the worst part. Keep your focus and give me one more push!" Edward exclaimed.

The pressure reached an all new height and the urgency to push became unbearable.

"The baby's head will be out with the next push," he said.

I felt the atmosphere in the room ignite with an electrical charge, and I once again gathered what morsels of energy I had. I pushed with everything I could muster.

_Jesus, get it out!_

Edward's eyes peered up from his surgical mask and met my gaze, and the feral bitch in me made her escape. At that moment I just wanted to rip his fucking head off.

"Yougoddamnfuckingsonofabitch!" I screamed at him as my verbal filter shattered in the heat of the splitting pain.

His brows flinched slightly as he looked up at me with wide eyes, but he recovered his professional demeanor quickly. "Okay, don't push, don't push!" he commanded. The urge to keep bearing down was so profound that I felt my lower half lifting off the bed, trying to hold it in.

"Hold still, Isabella, the baby has a cord around its neck. I have to unwrap it!"

"Get it out!" I cried in agony.

I heard a suctioning sound and then Edward said, "Ok, give me one more hard push."

I pushed hard, and at the same time I felt tugging as he guided the baby's shoulders and torso out. "Ahhhhhhhhhh!" I yelped. The stretching and burning was so immense that I wanted to climb out of my skin, but then in one split second, I felt the pressure disappear and I fell back into the bed, ragged and gasping for breath amid my relief.

The room fell silent. I closed my eyes in complete exhaustion and all I wanted to do was slip into sleep, then I felt a weight on my stomach and I looked down...

"Isabella, congratulations. You have a daughter!" Edward said with apprehensive, yet smiling eyes.

And then I heard it… a gurgling, raspy noise as my baby tried to find her first voice. That little sound abruptly turned into a shrill cry that pierced the quiet of the room and I saw her scrunched, waterlogged face and wet, matted dark hair.

In that moment, the world as I knew it stopped spinning on its axis and split in two.

As her sweet cries filled my ears, I felt my heart constrict and my soul extended from my body to hers to bind us together for eternity.

_My heart._

_My love._

_My life._

"Oh, my God!" my voice rattled as overwhelming emotion caught in my throat. My eyelids were rimmed with tears of joy and awe.

Her puffy little eyes squinted as she tried to open them for the first time. She squinted again, adjusting to the brightness of the room, before she opened her eyes wide. I stared at her with wonder.

Nothing could touch this moment. Not shame, not humiliation, and not Edward. Adrenaline and endorphins flooded my body as I looked at my daughter, and all I could see was her.

And she was beautiful.

Those brimming tears spilled down my cheeks as I took in her tiny little features.

Angela was rubbing her briskly with a towel to dry her off as the baby wailed her song, arms shaky and flailing. After her hair was dried, a downy halo of beautiful auburn was revealed.

"Bella, she is so beautiful!" Angela beamed. "Look at all that hair!"

Just then, Rose placed a tiny pink hat over it. "She sure does have a lot of it," she said, with a pointed look at Edward.

An awkward air settled in the room again, and Edwards green eyes peered into mine. Unprepared to acknowledge the situation, my eyes darted back to my precious bundle.

He cut the umbilical cord and Rose picked up the baby. "I'm going to examine her in the warmer," she said as she carried her away.

I wasn't ready to let my baby go and I felt a pull in my chest. "It's okay, Bella. You can have her back after she is examined and weighed," Angela reassured me. That's what I loved about Angela; she was so intuitive and often met my needs without me having to voice my concerns. I could tell by the look in her eyes that she sensed the strange air between Edward and me. Thankfully, she kept it to herself.

"Do you have a named picked out for her?" she asked.

"I have a few names, but I want to get to know her first," I said with an exhausted breath.

"I'm going to step out for a moment and will be back in a few minutes," Angela said. I looked at her with pleading eyes, begging her not to leave my side. "I just have to go to the bathroom quickly."

"Oh, okay," I whispered.

She briskly walked out of the room. Rose was across the room tending to the baby, and I was left to face Edward alone.

_Just fucking great._

_Please, hurry up Ang._

With my feet braced in stirrups and my legs spread wide and exposed, I tried to turn my focus to the white ceiling above me and ignore the blanket of tension that lay between him and I.

_Don't look at him… don't look at him… don't look at him._

I felt heat rising up my neck and cheeks. _Goddamned traitorous blush. _I began to wiggle my toes back and forth in a useless effort to expend the anxious energy that was building up in my chest.

_Tick._

_Tock._

_Tick. _

_Tock._

After just delivering a baby, I shouldn't have even cared who was in the room with me. My body was aching in ways that I never could have imagined, and I was beyond weary, but now that the baby was out I was able to contemplate the bizarre relationship between myself and the man at the foot of my bed.

It was just plain mind fucking how things got so intimately rearranged... and infuriating. Of course I wanted my child to have a father - not that I expect him to want anything to do with us - but to find him in this manner was just completely jacked on so many levels. I didn't even know how begin to wrap my head around it. As if I didn't lose enough of my dignity to him on the night I so readily dropped my panties, now he shows up for the most personal, vulnerable, private moment of my life…

_Tick._

_Tock._

_Tick._

_Tock._

_Fuck, Ang, hurry up._

I felt a silent sob rip through my chest. _This is just too fucking much._ I just want to bond with my baby without facing this horrifying and embarrassing ordeal. Another sob strangled its way up my throat.

_What the fuck is he doing down there?_

I got the courage to sneak a peek at him. His eyes were planted on my pelvis, though his expression seemed pensive and contemplative. _Doing the math, asshole? _

He must have felt my eyes on him because he glanced up to meet my stare. I quickly looked away and resumed counting the speckled dots on the ceiling tiles.

I felt the heat in my cheeks again. Another sob ripped through my chest, this time accompanied by a rush of unwanted tears.

_Fucking traitorous blush._

_Goddamned traitorous emotion._

_And now traitorous fuckin' tears._

_Mother fucking bitch!_

_I shouldn't have to go through this. He shouldn't be here. This may be his baby, but he needs to leave. This is _my_ moment. It shouldn't be tainted by his surprise presence._

I felt my temper flare. "How much longer is this going to take?" I asked him curtly without looking at him.

"We just have to wait for the placenta to deliver, and then you will need a few stitches. You have a tiny laceration on the inner side of your labia," he said in his professional tone.

_Keep it together, Bella._

"Can my midwife please finish this for you? I would really appreciate some privacy," I said through clenched teeth.

"Yes, of course. As soon as she gets back I'll let her take over," he said, but this time his voice sounded solemn.

A cry from my baby broke the silence in the room. "Almost done here. I'm just going to get her weight and length," Rose said. "She has a perfect APGAR score."

I watched as she laid the baby on the scale. Another shrill cry filled the air and all I wanted to do was hold her again.

"Six point five pounds, twenty inches."

Rose put a diaper on her, swaddled her in a blanket, and then brought her back to me. She gently placed her in my arms, and I felt my eyes tear up again - only these were happy ones.

"Do you want to try to nurse her?" Rose asked.

I looked from her to Edward. "I think I'll wait until Angela gets back," I replied.

There was no way in hell I was going to lose another one of my private moments with him here. I tried to swallow the rest of my bitterness so I could take in all of my baby's sweet features. She was so tiny…

The door opened and Angela appeared. "Sorry that took me so long."

_Too long._

"Angela, I have another patient to check on. If you could finish up it would be great," Edward stated in his "doctor" tone.

"Sure thing."

She suited up in a blue disposable gown and donned sterile gloves, and then exchanged places with Edward as he briefed her on the location of my laceration.

Edward removed his gloves and gown and put them in the trash. "Page me if you need anything."

He headed to the door, but paused as if he was in deep thought. His body posture appeared defeated as he reached up and took his surgical cap off, revealing his unruly bronze hair. He looked back at both me and the baby with a tormented, confused expression. He opened his mouth as if he was going to say something, but quickly closed it. With an audible sigh, he turned back to the door, opened it, and then left.


	3. Chapter 3

Throughout the delivery, I barely managed to hold myself together. Now, my professional façade was beginning to unravel, the weak strings of my self control began to snap one by one. My trepidation began to swell and I suddenly felt a sense of impending doom.

I paused at the door and took my cap off. The urgency I felt in the need for answers in this fucked up mess was overwhelming. I turned my head, looking back over my shoulder at Isabella and the baby, desperately seeking the truth yet so afraid of it at the same time. Forgetting for a second that we were not alone, I almost blurted out my question. I think I already knew the answer - it was pretty fucking obvious - but I had to hear the truth from her. She looked back at me with tears in her eyes, her gaze reflecting anger, accusation, and what appeared to be stern warning. Well aware that the last of my composure was dissipating, I let an exasperated sigh, knowing that now was not the time for questions and answers. I turned back to the door, opened it and closed it behind me as I stepped out into the hall.

My knees began to feel weak and shaky. I tried to take in a breath, but my throat tightened and my lungs felt constricted. I braced myself with my hands on the guard rail that lined the hallway, and once again tried to fill my lungs with air, but only managing a small gasp.

My heart began to pound in my chest and I could feel my carotid pulse thumping in my neck. Every cell in my body sparked with a buzzing energy, each one begging for its dose of oxygen. With smothering panic, I attempted another breath. I felt my burning lungs fill with air but it somehow was not satisfying enough.

I looked down the hall seeing bodies moving in slow motion in the distance. I looked down the other side of the corridor, desperate for a place to retreat before I called attention to myself.

With my limbs now tingling, I chose the most direct path to the locker room. Oddly, my body felt light as if I were in a dream, yet my legs were heavy with each step and required effort to move them.

My mind was trying to unleash its memories of Bella and of the scene that just took place in the delivery room. I tried to swallow them back one by one because I knew if I didn't I was going to end up on a stretcher in the emergency room. I tried to keep my focus by concentrating on moving my legs, as if they were the last thread keeping me grounded in reality.

I managed shallow breaths with each step, each one just as inadequate as the one before it. Lightheadedness began to cloud my focus.

I trudged past the nurses' station, avoiding eye contact, and prayed that nobody approached me for anything. There was no way I could even appropriately respond in the state I was in.

My stomach began to twist and saliva rushed into my mouth. Bile began to push its way up my esophagus and was not far from making its release.

There was a small corner of my mind that could vaguely rationalize that nobody was looking at me and none of them knew what just took place in the delivery room. But I felt as if the shame and guilt of what I had done was radiating from my body and beckoning to the eyes of those around me. It was so intense that I felt naked.

Like a wounded animal that retreats to a secret hiding spot to avoid predators, I slipped into the men's locker room just as the acid lashed the back of my throat. I rushed past two of my colleagues without a glance and dashed to the bathroom, and fell to my knees, just barely making it to the waste basket.

My abdominal muscles clenched fiercely and my body lurched forward, carrying the contents of my stomach with it. I watched the emesis splatter the plastic liner of the basket. I closed my eyes as another wave of nausea came over me.

Visions of her brown eyes danced before my eyelids, the same brown eyes that had haunted my dreams for the last nine months. The same beautiful brown eyes that I tried my hardest to forget with all my waking thoughts.

Hunched over, my body lurched again. I felt perspiration seep through my pores. Tears slipped from my eyes and trailed down to the tip of my nose, the acidic fumes from the vomit causing my eyes to sting and water. My heart continued to race as more vomit blasted its way from my gut.

I squeezed my eyes shut again, hoping that this was all a dream and praying that I would wake up in my bed. Taking in another shallow breath, I tried to suppress my thoughts. My mind was racing with flashes; it was too much to comprehend, and I was reeling.

_Chocolate eyes. Baby. Strawberries. No self control. Silky brown hair. Daughter. No condom. Creamy pale skin. Soft. Tight. Nine months. Stupid . Fucking stupid._

The nausea gripped me again and I retched. I sat there for a few more minutes, hovering over the trash trying to catch my breath and making sure there was no more left.

When I was finally sure that my stomach was empty, I reached up and grabbed a hold of the sink basin and slowly pulled my shaky body up off of the floor. I saw my pallid reflection in the mirror and had the urge to smash the image with my fists. _What have I fucking done?_

I turned the faucet on and splashed cold water on my face with my hands, then scooped some into my mouth to wash out the acrid taste of vomit.

I grabbed a paper towel from the dispenser and dried my face off. I glanced into the mirror again, sick with myself.

With the twisted feeling still in my gut, I leaned back against the wooden bathroom door, and slowly slid my body down till it was resting on the cold floor tiles.

_Pull it together Cullen._

Deep breath in.

_You know nothing for sure._

Deep breath out.

_No reason to freak out…yet._

Deep breath in.

_Things are pretty fucking obvious._

Deep breath out.

My mind wandered back to the delivery room. The look that girl gave me was the trademark one that women give to their husbands when they are crowning; the very look that says "You fucking did this to me." Not only did her fiery gaze relay those words to me, she fucking actually screamed them at me. I had already started to put two and two together before then, counting back the months to when I was with her, at but that moment when she lashed out, it took everything I had in me to maintain my composure. Fuck, never in my life had I ever felt like such a lowly piece of shit as I did right then.

My heart was still racing, but it had slowed down considerably. My breathing was still slightly labored, but at least a little more manageable.

I didn't want to think of her or that night…or even the events of the day that led me to the bar. It was all just too fucking much.

A knocking on the door startled me from my thoughts. It seemed like hours since the delivery room, but I really had no idea how long I had been on the bathroom floor.

"Just a minute," I shouted.

I lifted myself off of the floor, still feeling a bit shaky. I went back to the sink, turned the water on, splashing my face and rinsing out my mouth once more. I dried my face with a paper towel.

Not wanting to leave my vomit in the bathroom, I lifted the plastic trash bag from the bin, twisted it closed and looped it into a knot.

I took another deep, yet unsatisfying breath, and opened the door.

"Dr. Cullen, are you alright?" Mike Newton, one of the male nurses asked me. "You look rather pale."

"Just a touch of the flu I think." I responded while trying to avoid his gaze.

"Well, feel better then," he said.

"Thanks."

I exited the locker room and searched out the janitor's closet. Never having been in it before, I wasn't sure which way to turn.

_Fuck._

Rose was at the other end of the hall and had unfortunately spotted me and began darting towards me. My sister in-law was a good nurse but in real life she was a nosy ball-busting bitch.

"Jesus Christ, Edward, you look like a ghost. What the fuck was that in there? That girl freaked out when I brought you in," she spat quietly with accusing concern.

"Not now, Rose." I ran my free hand through my hair, while looking down to avoid eye contact with her.

She glanced at the bag that was in my hand. "Is that vomit?" she asked while scrunching her nose in disgust.

"Here, dump this in the biohazard trash," I demanded as I shoved the bag at her.

She appeared startled and wide-eyed as she grabbed it. "I really fucking hope this puke isn't yours."

I ignored answering that. "Are you finished with Ms. Swan's chart?" I needed to make my notes in it but I was much more interested in gaining answers about her.

"It's at the desk," she replied as she huffed off to dispose of the bag.

I snuck over to the nurse's station and thumbed through the patient records. _Swan_. I pulled it from the file, tucked it under my arm and headed out of the birthing suite towards my office.

I still had that weightless feeling and a strong sense of panic in my chest. At least my legs didn't feel as if they were encased in cement anymore.

I flipped the light on in my office and dropped the record on my desk. I paced back and forth a few times in a futile attempt to shake my nerves. I plopped down into my chair, said a silent prayer and flipped open the file.

**Name: Isabella Marie Swan**

**D.O.B. September 13, 1985.**

**Occupation: Student**

**Marital Status: Single**

**Last Menstrual Period: June, 3, 2008.** _Shit. Fuck._

A sense of heaviness and foreboding took a seat on my shoulders as a hot sweat prickled my forehead and the back of my neck.

I pushed the button to my computer monitor and waited for it to load. I pulled up the window with my pregnancy calculator and punched in the date of her LMP. I'd done this so many times and am competent at doing the math in my head but I need reassurance of what I already knew in my mind. I clicked the submit button.

**Date of conception: Approximately the 18****th**** of June, 2008. **

_FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!!_

There was no mistaking the date that we were together in the bar. June 17th, three days before my birthday.

I let out a ragged breath.

_Jesus._

_Breathe; she could have been with other men in that time frame. She screwed you after one hour of knowing you, which may say a lot about her character._

I felt like such a dick for thinking that way about her, but I knew that it was a real possibility that I wasn't the only man to have sex with her during that time frame. I didn't know anything about her. The only words we ever said to each other were when I asked her to dance and when we exchanged names. Nothing else was said. Everything we had to say to one another was said through our eyes and by touch…

I shut my eyes tightly and tried to push back the details of that night, of her… The whole experience was so unnerving that it was hard to think about. I lost all control that night. I became so wrapped up in the bubble that she and I had created for ourselves that all rational thought was gone.

I couldn't believe myself. I was a fucking doctor for Christ's sake. I counseled endless numbers of women everyday on the importance of using condoms for preventing sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancies. How could I be so stupidly irresponsible?

I had already beat myself up over this months ago. I'd always prided myself on doing the right thing, being ethical and moral, being an upstanding man and honoring my responsibilities. Respecting women - the foundation of my occupation as an OB/GYN, this commanded the utmost respect of women.

And I fucked that girl in the stall of a toilet like she was a whore and discarded her like a piece of shit.

I'd struggled with an internal battle for doing what I did with that girl and just leaving her the way I did. It haunted me every fucking night. I tried to push it out of my mind, to forget, but there had been no forgetting. Those chocolate brown eyes plagued my dreams every fucking time I closed my eyes to sleep.

I had been with plenty of women, and while I was in college I had a few one night stands. I always felt a little bit guilty the morning after. But this girl - I couldn't shake her memory. Maybe it was the conscience I had grown since becoming a doctor. Maybe it was the connection I had with her, but I knew better than that.

I was in a bad way that night. I had to deal with two fetal demises that day at work. My profession was very gratifying, but when something goes wrong, it is hard not to take it personally or let it affect your life outside of the hospital. I was feeling so defeated when I got off my shift, I went to the bar to try to relieve some stress. So, whatever I felt with her was not real, it was me reaching out and just needing somebody, and whatever it was, was just fucking weird.

_Fuck._

My already tense posture stiffened even more and my respirations sped up, becoming shallow again. I tried to calm myself by taking slow, deep breaths but was once again feeling suffocated.

I had spent my whole life walking the straight and narrow path, minus the few times I screwed up in college. I always used protection, even with the two long term relationships I had been in. I had always taken pride in my self-discipline; every major decision in my life has been thoroughly thought out. I was calculated and deliberate in my all my choices of action. I did not take things lightly. And fuck, the one night, the one fucking night I lose control….

The anxiety that had been plaguing me began to take a different form and I felt a surge of anger build in my chest.

More of the memories I had tried to push back for the last nine months came began to surface. Every thought of her left me so fucking conflicted. How a one-time meeting with that woman affected me on so many levels left me stunned, confused, and fucking furious. Furious at myself for losing control, furious at her for whatever kind of fucking spell she put on me. Furious that the truest testament to my fuck up was in a bassinet down the hall…

_God damned, fuck!_

I ran a shaky hand through my hair while taking in a slow, deep breath, an attempt to calm my nerves and fury enough to collect a rational thought.

Resting my elbows on my knees, I hunched over in my chair and reached my fists up to pull my hair in frustration.

A buzzing vibration abruptly pulled me from my thoughts. I sighed and reached down to my waist to check my pager. Thankfully my shift was over so hopefully I wasn't being paged to work. Frankly, I wasn't in a good frame of mind and would not trust myself with a patient at this point.

I reached for the phone and dialed the number.

"Labor and Delivery, this is Rose speaking, how may I help you?"

"It's Edward, what do you need?" I replied.

"Do you plan on keeping Ms. Swan's chart? I can't go home until you bring it back so I can finish documenting in it," she huffed in an irritated voice.

"I'm on my way," I said dryly. I hung up the phone and gathered the file. I steeled myself as best as I could before I opened the door, trying to put on a normal face. The last thing I needed right now was for Rose to stick her nose in my business.

I made my way back to the delivery suite and found Rose sitting at the nurse's station. I handed her the chart and she snatched it from my hand while eyeing me with that "all knowing" look she tends to have all the fucking time. I once again avoided eye contact with her and promptly left to go and change out of my scrubs.

I passed by the nursery on my way to the locker room. I felt my pulse quicken as I saw a row of bassinets in my peripheral vision. I slowed to a stop, and glanced through the glass window…

It wasn't hard to spot her. Even with a hat on, she had so much hair that it was peeking out from under it. And that color…

I knew what my mother would call that color. Bronze.

My heart caught in my throat. _Fuck._ Guilt. Looking at that tiny, innocent baby, knowing that she was most likely my daughter, the guilt set in with vengeance.

I had always wanted children, but not like this. I never imagined bringing a child into the world out of wedlock, let alone without even knowing my child's mother.

_Shit._

An empty and helpless feeling began to descend upon me as I watched her little face scrunch up and then heard a muffled cry through the glass.

I felt a pulling in my heart, knowing that no matter what the situation was between her mother and I, this baby didn't deserve to be caught up in the aftermath.

Another bout of anxiety began to weasel its way in and I had to forcefully tear my eyes away from her. I began to move toward the locker room, knowing that if I stayed there looking at her I was going to lose it again. I had to swallow back my emotions; otherwise, I was not going to make it out of this hospital in one piece.

I went to my locker, changed out of my scrubs and into a pair of jeans and a sweater. I made a trip to the restroom, trying to pass time so Rose could finish her work. I didn't want to have to face her again before she left for home. I also couldn't leave until I did my charting in Isabella's record.

I waited for about ten minutes before going back to the main desk. I prayed that Rose was gone and thankfully she was. I did what I needed to do, and double checked my documentation to be sure everything was accurate.

When I finally exited the doors of the hospital, I let out a huge sigh. I was so physically and mentally exhausted that my mind was numb.

I made it home, thankful that I lived close to work and didn't have far to drive in this state of mind. I didn't even take my shoes off. I didn't turn the lights on. I didn't get anything to eat. I never made it to bed. I sat on my couch and stared off into the darkness of my apartment and let the memories of her take me.


End file.
